Marissa's Mess Synopsis

Synopsis

Marissa's Mess is about Marissa sick and tired of her father's rules. She finds herself admiring David one of the students of the same school she attends. David comes up to her when school was over to invite Marissa on a date. She excitedly accepts, but finds it difficult to convince her dad that nothing is going on between herself and David. Marissa's mum tries to defend Marissa but once again is beaten down by this. Marissa father reiterates the rules of the house and Marissa's rules because her parents were going out. Marissa as usual acknowledges these rules and speedily gets ready after her parents leave. She quickly gets ready to go out with David.

David comes and picks up Marissa. They go out to his uncle's night club and David gets drunk while at the club. Marissa becomes concern about this and concern about getting home. She tries to get David to take her home, but the Bartender prevents David from taking her home because of his condition. Marissa is given money to go and catch a taxi home. She leaves the club and tries to get home. Just then a ZR van comes packed with passengers and Marissa's hesitation causes the conductor to curse her and allows the driver to drive off.

Marissa yells for the ZR van to come back, but of course this did not happen. She sees a taxi and tries to stop it. Maurice is the taxi driver. He starts talking to her and Marissa is bored by it. He alluded to her that he needs to make a stop at the gas station because he needs gas. On arriving at the gas station he realises that he has no gas money so he informs the attendant of this and the attendant goes back into the lunch room. Maurice signals to Marissa that he is going to the ATM. Just when Maurice is in there, the automart is gun up by Jake and Trent who are brothers. They rob the automart and hears sirens that has nothing to do with them robbing the place. Trent and Jake runs to a nearby vehicle which happens to be Maurice's taxi vehicle. They drive off, just in time before the official police comes.

Trent and Jake realises that someone is in the back seat which turns out to be Marissa. She talks and is confused as to what is happening right about now in the script. Jake responds to her gently and nicely, but Trent doesn't. The police chases them until Trent who is driving realises that the taxi is out of gas. He at this point has no choice but to stop. Marissa, Jake and Trent get out of the car with Trent sticking a gun to Marissa's head as he holds her. Marissa is afraid of her life and what Trent might do to her. Jake hesitantly continues to not want to do this. When Jake places his gun to the ground and Marissa tries to run at the first sight of escape, Trent fires a shot at Marissa that causes Jake to jump infront of her. Jake at this point is shot and dies on the spot. Trent drops to the ground to his brother. Marissa runs to Officer Jackson and Trent is handcuffed by the police.

Marissa eventually gets home and she quickly makes her way to her bed after undressing. Her parents get home and her father checks in on her that causes her to respond to him in a sleepy manner. Officer Jackson calls Marissa's home to see if she was alright and also to inform her parents on what had happened. This causes Marissa's father to shout her name that causes Marissa to get into trouble.

Notes:
General

The things I love about the script:

The best friend relationship between Marissa and Jenny. The way they told each other everything and they both wanted to experience each other's world.

The brotherly commitment between Jake and Trent. The way Trent in his own way takes care of his brother. The softness of Jake and the roughness of Trent.

The use of the word time that signals to Marissa it is time to leave.

The way Officer Jackson calls to inform Marissa's parents on what had happened and also to see if Marissa was okay.

The conflict in the story with Marissa trying to get home.

The things that could be improved upon:

Maurice's character could have been developed some more. I thought he would have been in the police vehicle because it was his taxi.

Who called the police? I would have wanted to see who called the police because action and humour could have been placed at this part of the script.

Where is the attendant? Does she go home without anyone being aware?

What happened in the automart? I would have loved to see Maurice's reaction because he sounds and looks in my mind as a big coward. Also, here was another good part for action and humour.

When Marissa and her dad came home to find the mother in the kitchen, I thought that the conflict could have started here between Marissa's mum and dad that causes the resolution for the mother in the end.

In the crime scene chase, something is missing there that could have caused it to popped out at me. I wanted to feel for both Trent and Jake and Marissa all at once.

I felt that Marissa on arrival at home could have called her best friend to inform her about her night. While Marissa is on the telephone talking to Jenny, she realises her parents are home and then she rushes Jenny off and pretends that she is asleep.

Scene 1
Is David Young in a group with his friends talking? What personality does he has when he is with his friends. Is he respected by his friends? Is he the leader among his friends? I do not know if David is looking at Marissa when she looks at him. Does he looks at her, and she goes smiles to hijself? Does his friends gets his attention that Marissa is looking at him? What was his motive to have gone to her in the next scene to ask her out? Is Jenny with Marissa all this time that this is going on?

Scene 2
Was Marissa sitting down when Jenny came up to her or was she standing? I assume she was standing. Marissa's dialogue needs to be more natural. Her language sounds fake, not realistic for a girl talking to her best friend. Jenny's language also does not sound realistic because if someone prefers to have what someone else's has they would be more convincing than just telling them do not worry about it because they haven't missed a thing.

Again I do not fully know the personality of David. The way he speaks to Marissa sounds white or rich. He doesn't sound like someone that Marissa would want to be with. He sounds like someone that Marissa father would be interested in if you take away his skin colour. David stating "it would spoil his plans" baffles me because his persona still isn't identified.

Marissa's dad Erskine character sounds split. I think he should calmly ask Marissa questions and then get angry if she refuses to hear.

Scene 3
Marissa's mum could have asked more questions and state some of her view points when Erskine and Marissa got home. I felt like Marissa could have even voice what happened that day.

Scene 4
I felt that less dialogue should have been said here. If someone is drunk yes they talk to much, but the action would have been more seen as a let down by Marissa's stand point than with David talking. His actions alone would have suggest to her she really wasted her time going out with him. This alone could have indicated to her that she needed to go home and forget about David. The Bartender should not have given I presume a 17 year old alcohol anyway. This just isn't realistic with the laws and age differences that occurs.

Scene 5
Maurice should have been seen awhole lot more than in this script. Maurice at this point becomes the antagonist because everything circles around him; his taxi out of gas, his taxi being stolen, the robbery, Marissa trying to get home, Marissa caught in a mess in Maurice's taxi. I needed to see what happened in the automart; who called the police; what became of the Attendant; what Marissa was doing all along; Jake's and Trent's reaction and action to the robbery.

Scene 6
The chase: what was Marissa's response. I needed to see more of her response. Was she talkative at this point? Was she talkative and scared? Was she talkative, scared and confused?

The police's reaction at the gas station. What they did in the car? How Maurice got into their vehicle. I would have prefer Maurice being in the police's vehicle with them because the taxi is his and he would have been the best person to identify it.

Scene 7
The crime scene: what happened when Marissa, Jake and Trent were out of the vehicle. Maybe the other policemen were trying to hold back Maurice from running to his vehicle and still being able to focus in on the Jake and Trent robbery and kidnapped.

The long lines of traffic held up. Marissa's parents' faces. The father calling Marissa at home to lether know they are soon home, but she never answers. Then they calling her cell phone and Trent jumps to the noise of her cell phone in the car.

Reporters coming on the scene in undercover. Hidden cameras shooting all around. Jake is shot in the arm and Trent rushes to him. Marissa runs and the police rushes to Trent to arrest him. Marissa sees her dad's car while talking to the reporter and informs the police she needs to get home.

Scene 8
Marissa gets home just before her parents. She changes her clothes and calls Jenny. Her parents pull up and she ends the conversation with Jenny. Her father comes in to check on her because earlier she didn't answer any of her phones when he called. She acknowledges that he is home in the meantime when the telephone rings. The police calls and Erskine puts on his television. He shouts Marissa's name while going into her room. He questions Marissa and Patricia and him take their conversation outside. Patricia speaks her mind to her husband and Erskine decides to ground Marissa.

Full Critique of "The Lost Hearts of Brighter Hopes"

Synopsis
This story written by Keisha has tremendous value as a a folk tale in Barbados. She moves away from the cliche stereotypical male psychopath and creates a female killer. She uses the folk tale of the heart man to draw her audience in and then she shocks them by revealing a female killer who is a teenage girl. Kimberly is orphan. She is teenage girl that asks cleverly at the beginning about the heartman which establishes early what the story is about.

The story takes us to Kimberly's school yard where a boy named Henderson proposes that a mathematics teacher named Mr.Niles is the heartman. In his story he details that Mr.Niles was the last person to be seen with a young boy that went missing. Henderson also reveals information about Kimberly's father at the end of his story. Kimberly is frustrated that they talk about Mr.Niles this way and defends him. She then retreats and goes to Mr.Niles' class to find him. Mr.Niles invites her into the classroom to talk but Kimberly says she wants to read and finds a book on Egyptian rituals on her desk.

The story then moves to a classroom scene where Mr.Niles gives a mathematics problem to the class to solve and in it Henderson along with students accuse Mr.Niles of being the heartman. The story then follows the journey of Mr.Niles and Kimberly to her home. It his during this journey that the first clue to who the heartman was, is revealed. At the end Kimberly cleverly brings Mr.Niles to a shack where she reveals to him that it is her home. After Mr.Niles dissapoints Kimberly by declining her advances she kills him and takes out his heart. She then buries him in the backyard, returns inside and calls Henderson to ask him to walk her home the next day.

What Went Well:

• She introduces priniciple characters that carry the story.
• Withholding who was the heartman
• Development of Kimberly and Mr.Niles as characters
• The use of auditory imagery; the 'Yellow Bird' song
• The visual story telling techniques; describing the scene and action

What Didn't Work

• The use of the neighbour at the beginning
• Kimberly pretending to talk to her father
• Mr.Niles agreeing to take home Kimberly
• There is no resolution to the conflict of the Heartman's killing
• Story of why Kimberly kills needs working

At the beginning of the script the neighbour appears to be just there. There is no idea of who they are and it appears as though they are only there to talk about the heartman.

Henderson isn't developed as a full charcter. He has so much potential to grow but it just seems as though he too is there to just give information. We have no idea about his background or who he is.

We don't know much about Mr.Niles besides him being a mathematics teacher and him studying at University doing research on occult religions but we feel as though he should have a backstory. A suggestion could be his affection for teenage girls. This would lead him to go with Kimberly with a possibility of something enjoyable for him at the end of the journey.

What happens at the end leaves the story unfinished. Kimberly isn't caught and she is seen scheming to kill Henderson the next day. The audience is not left with a concrete idea as to what will happen. A concrete resolution could be an effective way to end your story. The viewer wouldn't have to wonder if a sequel is being done.e.t.c.

The Heartman Critique

The script has a good storyline and a great concept. characters are intriguing and entertaining. Script is very visual and gives great description of scenes and characters.
some areas of the script can be developed. The dialogue tends to be too lengthy and repetitive at times and therefore can be tightened. The relationship between Tito and Chris in relation to Hunter needs to be developed. the plot is given away to early and there are also too many hints to who the heartman is. Some backstory is needed to establish the plot point of the father's killing

great story otherwise

Marissa's Mess critique

This is a general summary of the critique shared yesterday in class

• Use Maurice's character more
• Work the conversation between Erskine and Patricia
• Work conversation between Trent, Jake and Marissa in the car
• There is a consensus that too much dialogue is used in the later part of t he script. It should be action driven not dialogue driven.
• Why did David choose that time in particular to as her out...?
• Change Jake dying....this changes the entire tone of the ending.

Marissa's Mess Script Critique

The Things I Love About the Script:

1) The best friend relationship between Marissa and Jenny. The way they told each other everything and they both wanted to experience each other's world.

2) The brotherly commitment between Jake and Trent. The way Trent in his own way takes care of his brother. The softness of Jake and the roughness of Trent.

3) The use of the word time that signals to Marissa it's time to go.

4) The way Officer Morgan calls to inform Marissa's parents on what had happened and to see if Marissa was alright.

5) The conflict in the story with Marissa trying to get home.


The Things That Could Have Been Better:

1) Marice's character could have been developed some more. I thought he would have been in the police vehicle because it was his car.

2) Who called the police? Ms. Frances -Ann Solomon spoke on it, but I mentioned that before.

3) Where was the attendant?

4) What happened in the automart? I would have loved to see Maurice's reaction because he sounds and looks in my mind as a big coward.

5) When Marissa and her dad came home to find the mother in the kitchen, I thought that the conflict could have started there between Marissa's mum and her dad that causes the resolution in the end for the mother.

6) In the crime scene chase, something is missing there that could have caused it to popped out at me. I wanted to feel for both Trent and Jake and for Marissa at the same time.

7) I felt that Marissa on arrival at home could have called her best friend to inform her about her night, and when Marissa realises that her parents are home, she rushes off the phone and pretends to be asleep.

critique for lost hearts of brighter hope

Keisha has a great concept and provides a good storyline for her script. the plot is strong with interesting twists and conflict. The characters are also very interesting; especially the main characters. Kimberly and Mr. Niles as well as Henderson. The way that Keisha presents the story is also interesting.She establishes the thesis early and then builds the suspense. The ending is also good as it provides an unexpected and shocking resolution to the storyline. Although the provides these great elements, there are ares that the writer can build on: Continuity from one scene to another needs to be tighter. Some scenes end abruptly which causes some confusion when trying to follow the story. Action and reaction of characters to areas of conflict in the story e.g when kimberley slaps Henderson, we need to see his reaction as well as Kimberley and the children around them. Some characters can be utilized more in the script for e.g Henderson. Some areas of the script also have room for development e.g the scee where Kim and Mr. Niles walk home, the sequence of events which follow can be stregthened. The plot is too informative. Giving away the villian too early for e.g when Kim tells Niles about the jars which she has displayed. It takes away from the suspense as the reader begins to realize that Kim may not be as innocent as she appears. It is an otherwise great story!

Heart Man Critique--

I honestly believe Julie has written a good story and her hard work is seen throughout her work.

The visual imagery in the script was strong in that it allowed us to watch the story unfold off of the page. Also the described action in each scene I thought was clear enough and to the point.

I loved the scene between .....

The believability of some of the character dialogue needs reworking. I don't find the conversation between Humphrey and his mother realistic.

The story was great until about page 15 where the audience can grasp who the killer is. Even later on in the story there are more clues that point to who the killer is. You may want to hold back much longer to build the tension and suspense that you were creating so well.

You may want to rework the names in the script more. The names add to a comedic element in the script. That is of course if you don't want the scrip to be a comedy.

The killing of the father wasn't explained in detail. You may want to give more insight as to why and how the father was killed.

I really think this script is strong...and I would love to see it filmed.....!