Full Critique of "The Lost Hearts of Brighter Hopes"

Synopsis
This story written by Keisha has tremendous value as a a folk tale in Barbados. She moves away from the cliche stereotypical male psychopath and creates a female killer. She uses the folk tale of the heart man to draw her audience in and then she shocks them by revealing a female killer who is a teenage girl. Kimberly is orphan. She is teenage girl that asks cleverly at the beginning about the heartman which establishes early what the story is about.

The story takes us to Kimberly's school yard where a boy named Henderson proposes that a mathematics teacher named Mr.Niles is the heartman. In his story he details that Mr.Niles was the last person to be seen with a young boy that went missing. Henderson also reveals information about Kimberly's father at the end of his story. Kimberly is frustrated that they talk about Mr.Niles this way and defends him. She then retreats and goes to Mr.Niles' class to find him. Mr.Niles invites her into the classroom to talk but Kimberly says she wants to read and finds a book on Egyptian rituals on her desk.

The story then moves to a classroom scene where Mr.Niles gives a mathematics problem to the class to solve and in it Henderson along with students accuse Mr.Niles of being the heartman. The story then follows the journey of Mr.Niles and Kimberly to her home. It his during this journey that the first clue to who the heartman was, is revealed. At the end Kimberly cleverly brings Mr.Niles to a shack where she reveals to him that it is her home. After Mr.Niles dissapoints Kimberly by declining her advances she kills him and takes out his heart. She then buries him in the backyard, returns inside and calls Henderson to ask him to walk her home the next day.

What Went Well:

• She introduces priniciple characters that carry the story.
• Withholding who was the heartman
• Development of Kimberly and Mr.Niles as characters
• The use of auditory imagery; the 'Yellow Bird' song
• The visual story telling techniques; describing the scene and action

What Didn't Work

• The use of the neighbour at the beginning
• Kimberly pretending to talk to her father
• Mr.Niles agreeing to take home Kimberly
• There is no resolution to the conflict of the Heartman's killing
• Story of why Kimberly kills needs working

At the beginning of the script the neighbour appears to be just there. There is no idea of who they are and it appears as though they are only there to talk about the heartman.

Henderson isn't developed as a full charcter. He has so much potential to grow but it just seems as though he too is there to just give information. We have no idea about his background or who he is.

We don't know much about Mr.Niles besides him being a mathematics teacher and him studying at University doing research on occult religions but we feel as though he should have a backstory. A suggestion could be his affection for teenage girls. This would lead him to go with Kimberly with a possibility of something enjoyable for him at the end of the journey.

What happens at the end leaves the story unfinished. Kimberly isn't caught and she is seen scheming to kill Henderson the next day. The audience is not left with a concrete idea as to what will happen. A concrete resolution could be an effective way to end your story. The viewer wouldn't have to wonder if a sequel is being done.e.t.c.