Marissa's Mess- Critique

Synopsis
Marissa's Mess is a story about a young girl who disobeys her father's rules. At the beginning of the script the central character, Marissa Yearwood is seen admiring a young boy( David Young) across from her at the lunch table during lunch time. The bell rings signalling the end of lunch and Marissa head for her class. The story then moves to the end of school where Marissa is outside at the school gate watching in admonition as the school children pile up the school bus. Her friend Jenny stands next to her and they talk about school. Marissa reveals how she is envious of Jenny catching the school bus and enjoying herself on the ride home. Jenny then informs her that Marissa is missing nothing. Jenny leaves and catches the school bus and then David surprises Marissa. Eventually after much rambling he asks her out and then Marissa's father, Erskine Yearwood arrives and interrupts the discussion. Marissa went to the car and endured her father's constant rant on his rules about boys. They get home and Marissa tells Jenny what happened after school.
It is Saturday and Marissa goes out on a date with David only to realise after much drama when she reaches the club that David can't take her back home. She eventually gets a taxi with Maurice Reid as the taxi driver and the taxi runs out of gas and his then hijacked by thieves when they reach the gas stiation. The thieves, Jake and Trent Bascombe, take Marissa hostage and eventually have to slow down because the taxi still needs gas. The police give chase and when they finally corner them Trent shoots Jake by accident.
Marissa is taken home by the police officer and thinks she is scotch free when her parents get home and then her father watches a news report an officer calls him on the phone. Marissa hears her father shout for her and she knows she is dead. Her mother then stands up for Marissa and quiets Erskine.

Things I Like

1. I like the way the story moves along. I like the many complications Marissa encounters in trying to get home.
2. The interaction between Marissa and her best friend Jenny.
3. The character of Trent Bascombe.
4. The minor characters in the story like the gas station attendant.
5. The way the mother defends her at the end.

Improvements that can be made

1. The ending is not concrete. It leaves too many unaswered questions and most importantly it does not end leaving the reader satisfied.
2. Maurice's charcter can be used more in the script. The character has potential to re-enter the story to develop the plot.
3. When Jake dies, it changes the entire tone of the story. It is almost as though we expect Marissa to fall in love with Jake.
4. We don't know why David chose that particular time to ask out Marissa. It is not clear what his motive was other than to ask her out on a date.
5. The conversations between Erskine and Patricia are not realistic especially at the ending.
6. There is too much dialogue from the middle of the script onward. It could be more action driven.

Detailed Analysis

• On the first page it is not clear if David is a popular guy at school and what his role is in the group. This would give more to his character and help point us to why he would ask Marissa out.
• At the ending of the script when Erskine received the call from the police, we know exactly what is going to take place next.
• Marissa's mother Patricia, appears to be underdeveloped throughout the entire script. We are unaware of her thoughts until mainly at the end where she defends her daughter. This surprises the audience because there has been no strong build up throughout the script to support the ending for her reaction.