Synopsis
Hunter Robinson and Humphrey Robinson are twin brothers. Hunter is a Mathematics teacher, while Humphrey is a Surgeon (Doctor). Their mother Mummy Robinson favours Hunter over Humphrey. She believes in her son Hunter and defends him no matter what. On the other hand, Humphrey fights for attention from his mother. Everytime he tries he fails miserably.
The story starts with a flashback where Humphrey is seen with a bloody knife in his hand, but because both him and Hunter are an identical twin, it makes it difficult to differentiate who really got arrested. The official story starts with Hunter in class teaching mathematics. He poses a mathematical question on the board to his students and both Chris and Tito responds incorrectly. The other students did not respond because they did not know the answer to the question either. Hunter informs them that because no one knew the answer to the question they would be having lessons that evening. This however, brings the class to an end and the scene as well.
Humphrey is seen tending to one of his patients name Susan McCastie. She is a recovering heart patient. His wife Michelle Robinson calls him and informs him to go for the children that evening. Eventually, after a long dialogue Humphrey finally gives in to his wife's resquest and acknowledges that he will pick up their children. Humphrey informs Nurse Pace that he is leaving early and if they are any messages, alert him on them. Humphrey is not seen picking up his two daughters because they are already in the car, but he is seen entering the Lodge school to collect his son. On approaching the school hall, Humphrey runs into his brother Hunter. Hunter is surprised to see him, but they converse with each other while Humphrey's son Ramiah approaches his father and uncle. Humphrey and Hunter said their goodbyes as Humphrey walks away, looking back at Hunter in intervals.
Hunter goes to his mathematics lessons and leaves as soon it has finished. The students leaves before Hunter leaves the premises. Dwayne Husbands is seen at this point walking pass the cane fields. He is grabbed by the Heart Man and stabbed in the back. His heart is carefully taken out of his chest. Dwayne Husbands is pulled into the middle of the cane fields, while his heart is rested on his chest. The next day it is heard on the radio that 13 year old Dwayne Husbands appears to be missing since the day in front. Hunter is questioned by the principal of the Lodge school as to what happened after lessons. However, two days later missing Dwayne turned out to be killed practically near the Lodge school in the cane fields. He was found by students of the Lodge school that were playing.
This killing of students continue as another was killed and and another student was almost killed. This eventually after the second killing became very fishy that Hunter was suspected to killing his students. Hunter is arrested numerous times. He is caught trying to kill Sheldon Norris, another student from the Lodge school. This student complains to his mother before his mother makes a complain to the police. Hunter then is officially arrested where shortly afterwards he is released on bail. He goes home to find Humphrey in his home. Humphrey makes it known from the beginning of their conversation that he is the Heart Man, shortly after pulling out the butcher knife. Humphrey talk about both killings and why he did it to begin with. He blames everyone for his actions excluding himself. Hunter throughout all this has Stephen listening in on their conversation after he pressed his last call button on his cell phone in his pocket. Stephen quickly goes to the police station to inform them on Hunter's case. Both Lieutenant Barry and Sergeant Larry with Stephen listen in on the conversation as Lieutenant Barry drives quickly to Hunter's house.
On the police's arrival along with Stephen they found both Chris and Tito on the ground with Humphrey holding the knife in his right hand. Tito is stabbed in his right foot. The ambulance arrives as Stephen rushes into the house to find his friend Hunter lying unconsciously on the floor in a pool of blood. Stephen alerts the ambulance to come quickly to Hunter's assistance and Tito, Chris and Hunter is taken to the hospital. Mummy Robinson goes to see her son Hunter and Michelle Robinson, Humphrey's wife goes to see Humphrey and comfront him on what she heard and saw he did. Three months later Chris is at home recovering, Tito getting better and Hunter is on bed rest. On the other hand, Humphrey Robinson gets life in prison.
Notes:
General
Positives:
I love the story because it is easy to follow.
It causes you to have mixed emotions when hearing and reading it.
I love the way the characters were development.
The rivalry between Humphrey and Hunter was good. As well as the rivalry with Humphrey and Humphrey because they were times when he had issues in general and with himself that Hunter was totally unaware of.
The relationship between Hunter and his students.
The relationship between Humphrey and his patients and the staff at the hospital.
The level of respect that both Humphrey and Hunter got from the community and persons from their respected jobs.
The way that these two men have different jobs, one a teacher and the other a doctor, and the one a doctor is jealous of the one who is a teacher.
Negatives:
Mummy Robinson should go to Humphrey in prison and confront him about his twin brother and the shooting of his dad.
Show students' reactions towards Hunter being the Heart Man and Chris's and Tito's reactions.
Have Humphrey look totally innocent; helping his brother supplying a lawyer for him, maybe his wife Michelle to prove his brother's innocence.
Make Hunter look guilty as possible.
First time when I mention Hunter as the Heart Man, indicate from the journalist that the police is calling the man doing these killings as the Heart Man.
I gave away the killer too early.
Second last scene
Mummy Robinson goes and see Hunter in the hospital. She never goes to see Humphrey in prison. This is not realistic at all. She ought to feel some sort of pain and sadness for him because he is her son and it would reflect bad on her.
When Hunter stays home, show the students' reactions maybe when the principal informs them that their teacher, Hunter Robinson, will not be at class. I should have seen especially Chris's and Tito's responds. I should have also seen their reaction when they called each other up and see them defending Hunter to their parents.
Stephen the lawyer should not be apart or in the script. Since Michelle is also a lawyer in the script and she is Hunter's sister-in-law, then she should have automatically become Hunter's lawyer. It shows further conflict and intense on both Hunter and Humphrey and also on Michelle, Mummy Robinson and somewhat the children.
Usually police gives names to crimes; especially, when it is so crucial. This can be indicated at the point of the second similar killing even if Hunter is not mentioned as yet.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Marissa's Mess Script Report
Marissa is a secondary school girl. She is intelligent and usually obidient. Her best friend is Jenny and she has a crush on David Young.
At lunch time in the school cafeteria, Marissa and Jenny sat at their table watching David and his friends. Marissa and David's eyes meet and she looks away .
After school Marissa waits for her dad by the school gate and watches the children gather for the bus. Her friend Jenny runs up beside her and they talk for a while. As Jenny leaves to board the bus Marissa is startled by David who comes up behind her to ask her out. Marissa is shocked but happy and accepts. Just then her Dad pulls up and honks the horn in annoyance. Marissa hurriedly says goodbye to David and gets into her dad's car.
Erskine Yearwood is annoyed that his daughter seems to be interested in the young man she was talking to. He is a strict dad and enforces many rules that he expects Marissa to follow. Erskine voices his annoyance and an annoyed Marisa retorts and an argument begins. Erskine, annoyed that his daughter dares talk back ends the argument abrubtly and they continue to drive home in silence.
At Home in the kitchen, Kim greets her mother with her father in tow. Erskine starts to tell his wife about their daughter and Marissa exits the kitchen, heads to her room to call Jenny.
Jenny and Marissa talk about David and how Mariaasa was going to get on the date without her father knowing
At lunch time in the school cafeteria, Marissa and Jenny sat at their table watching David and his friends. Marissa and David's eyes meet and she looks away .
After school Marissa waits for her dad by the school gate and watches the children gather for the bus. Her friend Jenny runs up beside her and they talk for a while. As Jenny leaves to board the bus Marissa is startled by David who comes up behind her to ask her out. Marissa is shocked but happy and accepts. Just then her Dad pulls up and honks the horn in annoyance. Marissa hurriedly says goodbye to David and gets into her dad's car.
Erskine Yearwood is annoyed that his daughter seems to be interested in the young man she was talking to. He is a strict dad and enforces many rules that he expects Marissa to follow. Erskine voices his annoyance and an annoyed Marisa retorts and an argument begins. Erskine, annoyed that his daughter dares talk back ends the argument abrubtly and they continue to drive home in silence.
At Home in the kitchen, Kim greets her mother with her father in tow. Erskine starts to tell his wife about their daughter and Marissa exits the kitchen, heads to her room to call Jenny.
Jenny and Marissa talk about David and how Mariaasa was going to get on the date without her father knowing
Marissa's Mess- Critique
Synopsis
Marissa's Mess is a story about a young girl who disobeys her father's rules. At the beginning of the script the central character, Marissa Yearwood is seen admiring a young boy( David Young) across from her at the lunch table during lunch time. The bell rings signalling the end of lunch and Marissa head for her class. The story then moves to the end of school where Marissa is outside at the school gate watching in admonition as the school children pile up the school bus. Her friend Jenny stands next to her and they talk about school. Marissa reveals how she is envious of Jenny catching the school bus and enjoying herself on the ride home. Jenny then informs her that Marissa is missing nothing. Jenny leaves and catches the school bus and then David surprises Marissa. Eventually after much rambling he asks her out and then Marissa's father, Erskine Yearwood arrives and interrupts the discussion. Marissa went to the car and endured her father's constant rant on his rules about boys. They get home and Marissa tells Jenny what happened after school.
It is Saturday and Marissa goes out on a date with David only to realise after much drama when she reaches the club that David can't take her back home. She eventually gets a taxi with Maurice Reid as the taxi driver and the taxi runs out of gas and his then hijacked by thieves when they reach the gas stiation. The thieves, Jake and Trent Bascombe, take Marissa hostage and eventually have to slow down because the taxi still needs gas. The police give chase and when they finally corner them Trent shoots Jake by accident.
Marissa is taken home by the police officer and thinks she is scotch free when her parents get home and then her father watches a news report an officer calls him on the phone. Marissa hears her father shout for her and she knows she is dead. Her mother then stands up for Marissa and quiets Erskine.
Things I Like
Marissa's Mess is a story about a young girl who disobeys her father's rules. At the beginning of the script the central character, Marissa Yearwood is seen admiring a young boy( David Young) across from her at the lunch table during lunch time. The bell rings signalling the end of lunch and Marissa head for her class. The story then moves to the end of school where Marissa is outside at the school gate watching in admonition as the school children pile up the school bus. Her friend Jenny stands next to her and they talk about school. Marissa reveals how she is envious of Jenny catching the school bus and enjoying herself on the ride home. Jenny then informs her that Marissa is missing nothing. Jenny leaves and catches the school bus and then David surprises Marissa. Eventually after much rambling he asks her out and then Marissa's father, Erskine Yearwood arrives and interrupts the discussion. Marissa went to the car and endured her father's constant rant on his rules about boys. They get home and Marissa tells Jenny what happened after school.
It is Saturday and Marissa goes out on a date with David only to realise after much drama when she reaches the club that David can't take her back home. She eventually gets a taxi with Maurice Reid as the taxi driver and the taxi runs out of gas and his then hijacked by thieves when they reach the gas stiation. The thieves, Jake and Trent Bascombe, take Marissa hostage and eventually have to slow down because the taxi still needs gas. The police give chase and when they finally corner them Trent shoots Jake by accident.
Marissa is taken home by the police officer and thinks she is scotch free when her parents get home and then her father watches a news report an officer calls him on the phone. Marissa hears her father shout for her and she knows she is dead. Her mother then stands up for Marissa and quiets Erskine.
Things I Like
- I like the way the story moves along. I like the many complications Marissa encounters in trying to get home.
- The interaction between Marissa and her best friend Jenny.
- The character of Trent Bascombe.
- The minor characters in the story like the gas station attendant.
- The way the mother defends her at the end.
Improvements that can be made
- The ending is not concrete. It leaves too many unaswered questions and most importantly it does not end leaving the reader satisfied.
- Maurice's charcter can be used more in the script. The character has potential to re-enter the story to develop the plot.
- When Jake dies, it changes the entire tone of the story. It is almost as though we expect Marissa to fall in love with Jake.
- We don't know why David chose that particular time to ask out Marissa. It is not clear what his motive was other than to ask her out on a date.
- The conversations between Erskine and Patricia are not realistic especially at the ending.
- There is too much dialogue from the middle of the script onward. It could be more action driven.
Detailed Analysis
- On the first page it is not clear if David is a popular guy at school and what his role is in the group. This would give more to his character and help point us to why he would ask Marissa out.
- At the ending of the script when Erskine received the call from the police, we know exactly what is going to take place next.
- Marissa's mother Patricia, appears to be underdeveloped throughout the entire script. We are unaware of her thoughts until mainly at the end where she defends her daughter. This surprises the audience because there has been no strong build up throughout the script to support the ending for her reaction.
Friday, November 13, 2009
The Lost Hearts of Brighter Hopes Synopsis
Synopsis
The neighbours stands at the bus stop gossiping about what has happened to persons that died. They gossip about the killer they called the Heart Man just then Kimberly passes and overhears the whole conversation. She is appalled at their comments even though they are not aware on who the Heart Man is.
Kimberly makes her way to school as she is still surrounded by the talks of the Heart Man from the students. She feels uneasy about it, but she pretends as though it does not bother her. Henderson, a student at the same school as Kimberly accuses Mr. Niles, their teacher, of being the Heart Man. Kimberly pretends that she does not know who the Heart Man is, and she stops Henderson from blaming and accusing Mr. Niles of such accusations. Henderson gets ranted with Kimberly because of this, and so he brings up incidences that happened at Kimberly's home between her father and herself which Kimberly confided in him about that causes Kimberly to give Henderson a hard slap in his face. This slap causes her to go running inside the classroom, where Mr. Niles her teacher is.
This run by Kimberly causes Mr. Niles to look up at her. He asks her if everything is okay. She responds to him by letting him know everything is not alright, but she rather not talk about it. She reads in the classroom until it was class time. In the classroom Mr. Niles asks the students the answer to a question he placed on the board. No one knew the answer, except for Kimberly who said the correct answer. Mr. Niles tells her that the answer she gave is correct. This causes the boys in the classroom to make kissing noises at her. Shortly after this, the children in the classroom are caught passing around paper at each other and Mr. Niles catches them in the middle of this act. The note on the paper had on a drawing with Mr. Niles's name written on it. The paper also had a man holding a heart in one hand and a little boy on the ground dead. Mr. Niles grabs Henderson, who he got the note from in the first place, to speak up. Mr. Niles's patience runs out. The children talk loudly so that Henderson does not say who wrote it, and Henderson ends up not saying who did write it because the bell rings and interrupts this tensity that was build up by the children and Henderson. Henderson is set free and he leaves the classroom pointing at Mr. Niles while calling him the Heart Man.
All this time Kimberly is not seen, but she comes back to Mr. Niles who does not realise it is her at first, so he snaps. On realising it is Kimberly, he politely apologizes to her and acknowledges her presence. Kimberly agrees with why Mr. Niles would have reacted in the manner he did. She alerts him that her dad would not be able to take her home and her dad wanted to know if he could take her. Mr. Niles obviously stun by her approach, eventually tells her yes he will take her home. They talk about any and everything while leaving and on their way to Kimberly's home. She asks him about his studies at UWI; what he is studying because of some books that he clumsily knock out of his bag onto the floor.
Kimberley sings and dances to the "Yellow Bird" song. She pretends to be embarrassed when Mr. Niles stares at her. Mr. Niles eventually dances with Kimberly until she pulls away. They both get caught up in the moment. She gets closer to her home so she pretends to be afraid of the heart man. She runs into a shack place that turned out to be hers. Mr. Niles does not know this until he enters and Kimberly reveals to him that the place is hers. Mr. Niles grew afraid of his life and Kimberly slowly kills him when he does not give into her plans or will. After killing Mr. Niles and burying him, she finally calls Henderson and alludes to him to take her home tomorrow because her dad would not be able to.
Notes
General
The things that were good:
The plot of the story. The twist that it gave where Kimberly was the heart woman all along when everyone thought and still thinks it is a man. She being able to listen on what everyone had to say was able to do things differently according to what she heard.
The development of the characters.
Establishing the suspense in the script from early.
The cleverness of Kimberly.
The scene outside and inside the classroom.
And the scene on the cart road between Kimberly and Mr. Niles.
The things that could have been improved:
However, there were quite a bit that needed reworking. For instance, where did the neighbours come from? Are they her neighbours? One of them would have known something was up with her because she lives by herself. In Barbados, when you think your neighbours do not know anything, they usually know more than you think. Didn't someone saw her digging holes in the back of her shack? Didn't they smell a stench? The neighbours were only mentioned at the beginning and no other part in the script. Not even in the end. This would have helped with a resolution of the script because the script is never solved. It is left hanging (incomplete). Malicious neighbours would have bound to know that she got back in with a man with her.
EXT. SCHOOL YARD - MIDDAY page 3 is one word. Not *Mid day*. I would have liked to see the reaction of the children, Henderson and Kimberly's faces, after she gave him the slap.
There was no prove that Kimberly ever spoke to her father after school was over, so Kimberly telling Mr. Niles that her dad cannot come for her was weird. You get the feeling something was fishy at this part of the script.
What was also fishy about this, was the fact that she went to Mr. Niles. In 2009, I do not think any adolescent would be going to a teacher to take them home, unless they were very bold and interested in the teacher. And this does not add up to the persona of the character. That part needs to be developed some more.
What would have prompt her to go to Mr. Niles in the first place? And what would have prompt him to willingly take her home? In 2009, Mr. Niles a teacher does not has a car? I think this has to be developed. What kind of teacher is Mr. Niles? What is his personality? How is his living? What is his status? Is he married, have children, engaged or has a girlfriend?
When Kimberly goes to Mr. Niles, have him doing something that requires him to snap and then glancing at her quickly to realise it is her, so that he begins to have a softer tone.
When Kimberly comes out with Mr. Niles to take her home, kissing noises from Henderson and the other boys could be coming from them, that would have caused Kimberly to get upset. This would have been her motive to do what she did. Also, in order for all this to happen, then the boys would still have to be around. (Obviously, they wouldn't have left already).
Where is Kimberly's and Mr. Niles's possessions? As small as it may seem, I do not see it. Do they leave it in the classroom? Simply because when they dance, I would have imagine that he would have put down his briefcase, if he has one.
The scene needs to be developed between Kimberly and Mr. Niles.
The Yellow Bird song could be Kimberly's trigger.
Also, how did they hear the song to begin with? I know that they heard it because she was singing it, but there is no prove as to how they hear it. I got the impression from reading the script that nothing was on that cart road. Just canes and bushes, so you would have to state this, to show the distance of the walk.
There were also some grammatical errors. I know you spoke in Bajan dialect, but they were verb disagreements and misspelt words.
What is the resolution? Is Kimberly ever caught? I wanted to see how everyone found out that it was a heart woman instead of a man, and also, does Kimberly kill the entire boy population in her class? We know that she was aiming for Henderson the next day. Someone would have bound to realise that Mr. Niles haven't turned up for class and now Henderson and they were last seen with Kimberly.
Henderson's character could have been developed some more. What was the relationship between him and Kimberly?
Does anyone including Henderson asked Kimberly where is her father and how did he die?
Scene 1 Page 1
Where is the bus stop location? Where is Kimberly's home? Why a bus stop scene? How close do these neighbours live to Kimberly? Does Kimberly know them? Do they know Kimberly?
Scene 2 Pages 2-3
Outside where the children are playing before class: I wanted to see the children's faces; especially, Henderson's. I wanted to see how the slap was given by Kimberly. I wanted to see the intensity of the slap and how Kimberly looks when she runs inside the classroom.
Scene 3 Pages 4-6
The students expression when they made the kissing noises: do all the children make kissing noises? How many children are in this class? Is Kimberly the only girl in the classroom? I get that feeling that she is. To what extent is the intensity in the classroom? Why is Henderson caught? Who actually passed the note? Who wrote it? Is Kimberly seen throughout this? The dialogue seems unrealistic between a scared student and an angry teacher. What kind of teacher is Mr. Niles? What is his persona? Kimberly needs to seen leaving to use her phone, so that she asking Mr. Niles to take her home looks realistic and honest. Why does she asks Mr. Niles to take her home than Henderson who she later asks? Why the Occult religion book? It makes it look as though they both kill together or something, or that she knows Mr. Niles dark secrets about these killings.
Scene 4
Why the Yellow Bird song? What was the motive behind it? Again what is Mr. Niles's persona? Why would he danced with Kimberly? Why does Mr. Niles runs into the house with Kimberly even though he felt it was abandoned and unsafe? Hence, what was his motive here again.
Scene 5
Kimberly gives off the suspense too early. As soon as you enter her home you know that she is the heart woman. The suspense should be given near to the end that would have caused her to kill Mr. Niles in the first place. I think the unravelling of the suspense could be left up to Mr. Niles. Cause him to be suspicious that he opens the areas where Kimberly has them stored. While he does this have Kimberly coming back and catching him. This would leave Mr. Niles with two choices, either stay with Kimberly and be apart of her world, or try to get away and alert the police on the Heart Woman. Kimberly should not call Henderson because this leaves the story hanging. And why does her father gets killed by her? What did he do to her that would have caused her to kill him?And how was he killed? And where?
The neighbours stands at the bus stop gossiping about what has happened to persons that died. They gossip about the killer they called the Heart Man just then Kimberly passes and overhears the whole conversation. She is appalled at their comments even though they are not aware on who the Heart Man is.
Kimberly makes her way to school as she is still surrounded by the talks of the Heart Man from the students. She feels uneasy about it, but she pretends as though it does not bother her. Henderson, a student at the same school as Kimberly accuses Mr. Niles, their teacher, of being the Heart Man. Kimberly pretends that she does not know who the Heart Man is, and she stops Henderson from blaming and accusing Mr. Niles of such accusations. Henderson gets ranted with Kimberly because of this, and so he brings up incidences that happened at Kimberly's home between her father and herself which Kimberly confided in him about that causes Kimberly to give Henderson a hard slap in his face. This slap causes her to go running inside the classroom, where Mr. Niles her teacher is.
This run by Kimberly causes Mr. Niles to look up at her. He asks her if everything is okay. She responds to him by letting him know everything is not alright, but she rather not talk about it. She reads in the classroom until it was class time. In the classroom Mr. Niles asks the students the answer to a question he placed on the board. No one knew the answer, except for Kimberly who said the correct answer. Mr. Niles tells her that the answer she gave is correct. This causes the boys in the classroom to make kissing noises at her. Shortly after this, the children in the classroom are caught passing around paper at each other and Mr. Niles catches them in the middle of this act. The note on the paper had on a drawing with Mr. Niles's name written on it. The paper also had a man holding a heart in one hand and a little boy on the ground dead. Mr. Niles grabs Henderson, who he got the note from in the first place, to speak up. Mr. Niles's patience runs out. The children talk loudly so that Henderson does not say who wrote it, and Henderson ends up not saying who did write it because the bell rings and interrupts this tensity that was build up by the children and Henderson. Henderson is set free and he leaves the classroom pointing at Mr. Niles while calling him the Heart Man.
All this time Kimberly is not seen, but she comes back to Mr. Niles who does not realise it is her at first, so he snaps. On realising it is Kimberly, he politely apologizes to her and acknowledges her presence. Kimberly agrees with why Mr. Niles would have reacted in the manner he did. She alerts him that her dad would not be able to take her home and her dad wanted to know if he could take her. Mr. Niles obviously stun by her approach, eventually tells her yes he will take her home. They talk about any and everything while leaving and on their way to Kimberly's home. She asks him about his studies at UWI; what he is studying because of some books that he clumsily knock out of his bag onto the floor.
Kimberley sings and dances to the "Yellow Bird" song. She pretends to be embarrassed when Mr. Niles stares at her. Mr. Niles eventually dances with Kimberly until she pulls away. They both get caught up in the moment. She gets closer to her home so she pretends to be afraid of the heart man. She runs into a shack place that turned out to be hers. Mr. Niles does not know this until he enters and Kimberly reveals to him that the place is hers. Mr. Niles grew afraid of his life and Kimberly slowly kills him when he does not give into her plans or will. After killing Mr. Niles and burying him, she finally calls Henderson and alludes to him to take her home tomorrow because her dad would not be able to.
Notes
General
The things that were good:
The plot of the story. The twist that it gave where Kimberly was the heart woman all along when everyone thought and still thinks it is a man. She being able to listen on what everyone had to say was able to do things differently according to what she heard.
The development of the characters.
Establishing the suspense in the script from early.
The cleverness of Kimberly.
The scene outside and inside the classroom.
And the scene on the cart road between Kimberly and Mr. Niles.
The things that could have been improved:
However, there were quite a bit that needed reworking. For instance, where did the neighbours come from? Are they her neighbours? One of them would have known something was up with her because she lives by herself. In Barbados, when you think your neighbours do not know anything, they usually know more than you think. Didn't someone saw her digging holes in the back of her shack? Didn't they smell a stench? The neighbours were only mentioned at the beginning and no other part in the script. Not even in the end. This would have helped with a resolution of the script because the script is never solved. It is left hanging (incomplete). Malicious neighbours would have bound to know that she got back in with a man with her.
EXT. SCHOOL YARD - MIDDAY page 3 is one word. Not *Mid day*. I would have liked to see the reaction of the children, Henderson and Kimberly's faces, after she gave him the slap.
There was no prove that Kimberly ever spoke to her father after school was over, so Kimberly telling Mr. Niles that her dad cannot come for her was weird. You get the feeling something was fishy at this part of the script.
What was also fishy about this, was the fact that she went to Mr. Niles. In 2009, I do not think any adolescent would be going to a teacher to take them home, unless they were very bold and interested in the teacher. And this does not add up to the persona of the character. That part needs to be developed some more.
What would have prompt her to go to Mr. Niles in the first place? And what would have prompt him to willingly take her home? In 2009, Mr. Niles a teacher does not has a car? I think this has to be developed. What kind of teacher is Mr. Niles? What is his personality? How is his living? What is his status? Is he married, have children, engaged or has a girlfriend?
When Kimberly goes to Mr. Niles, have him doing something that requires him to snap and then glancing at her quickly to realise it is her, so that he begins to have a softer tone.
When Kimberly comes out with Mr. Niles to take her home, kissing noises from Henderson and the other boys could be coming from them, that would have caused Kimberly to get upset. This would have been her motive to do what she did. Also, in order for all this to happen, then the boys would still have to be around. (Obviously, they wouldn't have left already).
Where is Kimberly's and Mr. Niles's possessions? As small as it may seem, I do not see it. Do they leave it in the classroom? Simply because when they dance, I would have imagine that he would have put down his briefcase, if he has one.
The scene needs to be developed between Kimberly and Mr. Niles.
The Yellow Bird song could be Kimberly's trigger.
Also, how did they hear the song to begin with? I know that they heard it because she was singing it, but there is no prove as to how they hear it. I got the impression from reading the script that nothing was on that cart road. Just canes and bushes, so you would have to state this, to show the distance of the walk.
There were also some grammatical errors. I know you spoke in Bajan dialect, but they were verb disagreements and misspelt words.
What is the resolution? Is Kimberly ever caught? I wanted to see how everyone found out that it was a heart woman instead of a man, and also, does Kimberly kill the entire boy population in her class? We know that she was aiming for Henderson the next day. Someone would have bound to realise that Mr. Niles haven't turned up for class and now Henderson and they were last seen with Kimberly.
Henderson's character could have been developed some more. What was the relationship between him and Kimberly?
Does anyone including Henderson asked Kimberly where is her father and how did he die?
Scene 1 Page 1
Where is the bus stop location? Where is Kimberly's home? Why a bus stop scene? How close do these neighbours live to Kimberly? Does Kimberly know them? Do they know Kimberly?
Scene 2 Pages 2-3
Outside where the children are playing before class: I wanted to see the children's faces; especially, Henderson's. I wanted to see how the slap was given by Kimberly. I wanted to see the intensity of the slap and how Kimberly looks when she runs inside the classroom.
Scene 3 Pages 4-6
The students expression when they made the kissing noises: do all the children make kissing noises? How many children are in this class? Is Kimberly the only girl in the classroom? I get that feeling that she is. To what extent is the intensity in the classroom? Why is Henderson caught? Who actually passed the note? Who wrote it? Is Kimberly seen throughout this? The dialogue seems unrealistic between a scared student and an angry teacher. What kind of teacher is Mr. Niles? What is his persona? Kimberly needs to seen leaving to use her phone, so that she asking Mr. Niles to take her home looks realistic and honest. Why does she asks Mr. Niles to take her home than Henderson who she later asks? Why the Occult religion book? It makes it look as though they both kill together or something, or that she knows Mr. Niles dark secrets about these killings.
Scene 4
Why the Yellow Bird song? What was the motive behind it? Again what is Mr. Niles's persona? Why would he danced with Kimberly? Why does Mr. Niles runs into the house with Kimberly even though he felt it was abandoned and unsafe? Hence, what was his motive here again.
Scene 5
Kimberly gives off the suspense too early. As soon as you enter her home you know that she is the heart woman. The suspense should be given near to the end that would have caused her to kill Mr. Niles in the first place. I think the unravelling of the suspense could be left up to Mr. Niles. Cause him to be suspicious that he opens the areas where Kimberly has them stored. While he does this have Kimberly coming back and catching him. This would leave Mr. Niles with two choices, either stay with Kimberly and be apart of her world, or try to get away and alert the police on the Heart Woman. Kimberly should not call Henderson because this leaves the story hanging. And why does her father gets killed by her? What did he do to her that would have caused her to kill him?And how was he killed? And where?
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Full Critique- The Heart Man
Synopsis
This story takes the heartman as a Barbadian folk tale and translates it to a film story. It depicts the folk tale in which the heartman has no heart at all. Julie has worked on this script with diligence and honestly she did a good job of capturing the essence of the folk tale. I thought she used the idea of a twin to identify two different worlds while yet establishing this comminality between them.
The story starts out with a flashback of a bloody knife in Humphrey Robinson's hand. The police caught him and he is arrested. Hunter Robinson a mathematics teacher at Lodge school gives his students a maths problem in the next scene. Following is his twin brother Humphrey Robinson, who is a doctor at the Queen Elizabeth Hospital. Humphrey is monitoring a patient's heart and his wife Michelle calls and asks him to pick up the children. He then leaves the hospital to for his children who go to school at the Lodge school. Humphrey picked up his two daughters, Samantha and Luanna and went to the school hall for his son Ramiah who was waiting for him there. He runs into his twin brother Hunter. They talk for a short bit and then Humphrey leaves with Ramiah, taking him and his daughters home.
Then Hunter begins his afterschool classes giving the students the answer to the problem he gave earlier during the day. Classes are over and Hunter and the children leave the school.
The next morning a news report came over that Dwayne Husbands, a thirteen year old student at the Lodge school was missing. When Hunter arrived at school he was questioned by the principal about Dwayne Husbands. Two days later, students discovered a body in the nearby cane fields and then police are brought in who questioned Hunter as well. His brother Humphrey is shocked and gives Hunter a call. Hunter prepares his lessons for the next day. While going to his car he observes Tony Boyce waiting. Tony says he is waiting on his mother and after a call to his mother, Hunter realises that she can't come for her son and volunteers to take him to her workplace safely. Tony is snatched up by the entrance and his mouth his mouth has beeen covered by a hand. Officer Warden sees the killer and runs after him. In doing so he stumbles across the body. He calls both the ambulance and the police. Then he tells Harriet Boyce. The mother of the deceased. Police are investigation the scene in the night and calls Hunter to come down to the station. Hunter is allowed to leave and he talks to his mother when he arrives home. While on the phone with his mother Humphrey takes a call on the other line and speaks to his brother for a short while before returning to his mother. In the morning of the next day, Hunter hears a news report saying that he is the number one suspect regarding the murders of the two boys. He calls in sick and the Principal wishes him a speedy recovery.
Hunter's lawyer and good friend Stephe Rowe heard the news and gives Hunter a call. Humphrey is the heartman and plans another attack on Sheldon Norris. Sheldon escapes seeing Humphrey's face. Sheldon ran home and told his mother that his school teacher Hunter tried to kill him. His mother Shirley Norris immidiately calls the police. Police rush over to Hunter's house and make an arrest.
Another news report comes on reporting that Hunter Robinson is the heartman. Michelle and Humphrey are having a conversation about Hunter being the killer. Humphrey picks up the phone and calls his mother. They speak and the conversation ends disturbed for both parties. Hunter is in the questioning room with Stephen. Hunter reveals that it could be his twin brother framing him for the murders of these boys........ unfinished
Good points about the story
This story takes the heartman as a Barbadian folk tale and translates it to a film story. It depicts the folk tale in which the heartman has no heart at all. Julie has worked on this script with diligence and honestly she did a good job of capturing the essence of the folk tale. I thought she used the idea of a twin to identify two different worlds while yet establishing this comminality between them.
The story starts out with a flashback of a bloody knife in Humphrey Robinson's hand. The police caught him and he is arrested. Hunter Robinson a mathematics teacher at Lodge school gives his students a maths problem in the next scene. Following is his twin brother Humphrey Robinson, who is a doctor at the Queen Elizabeth Hospital. Humphrey is monitoring a patient's heart and his wife Michelle calls and asks him to pick up the children. He then leaves the hospital to for his children who go to school at the Lodge school. Humphrey picked up his two daughters, Samantha and Luanna and went to the school hall for his son Ramiah who was waiting for him there. He runs into his twin brother Hunter. They talk for a short bit and then Humphrey leaves with Ramiah, taking him and his daughters home.
Then Hunter begins his afterschool classes giving the students the answer to the problem he gave earlier during the day. Classes are over and Hunter and the children leave the school.
The next morning a news report came over that Dwayne Husbands, a thirteen year old student at the Lodge school was missing. When Hunter arrived at school he was questioned by the principal about Dwayne Husbands. Two days later, students discovered a body in the nearby cane fields and then police are brought in who questioned Hunter as well. His brother Humphrey is shocked and gives Hunter a call. Hunter prepares his lessons for the next day. While going to his car he observes Tony Boyce waiting. Tony says he is waiting on his mother and after a call to his mother, Hunter realises that she can't come for her son and volunteers to take him to her workplace safely. Tony is snatched up by the entrance and his mouth his mouth has beeen covered by a hand. Officer Warden sees the killer and runs after him. In doing so he stumbles across the body. He calls both the ambulance and the police. Then he tells Harriet Boyce. The mother of the deceased. Police are investigation the scene in the night and calls Hunter to come down to the station. Hunter is allowed to leave and he talks to his mother when he arrives home. While on the phone with his mother Humphrey takes a call on the other line and speaks to his brother for a short while before returning to his mother. In the morning of the next day, Hunter hears a news report saying that he is the number one suspect regarding the murders of the two boys. He calls in sick and the Principal wishes him a speedy recovery.
Hunter's lawyer and good friend Stephe Rowe heard the news and gives Hunter a call. Humphrey is the heartman and plans another attack on Sheldon Norris. Sheldon escapes seeing Humphrey's face. Sheldon ran home and told his mother that his school teacher Hunter tried to kill him. His mother Shirley Norris immidiately calls the police. Police rush over to Hunter's house and make an arrest.
Another news report comes on reporting that Hunter Robinson is the heartman. Michelle and Humphrey are having a conversation about Hunter being the killer. Humphrey picks up the phone and calls his mother. They speak and the conversation ends disturbed for both parties. Hunter is in the questioning room with Stephen. Hunter reveals that it could be his twin brother framing him for the murders of these boys........ unfinished
Good points about the story
- It can be followed
- There are many characters
- Great details in the story (fine details, imagery)
- There are many comedic elements
- Improvement on the last script
- It is a wonderful way to tell the folk tale
Needs Improving
- Dialogue needs rethinking in some instances
- Character names need rethinking
- Humphrey as the killer is revealed to early
- The story about the killing of the father needs reworking
- What is the real motivation of the heartman?
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
The Heart Man script report by Alicat
Hunter Robinson and Humphrey Robinson are twin brothers. Hunter is a school teacher and Humphrey is a doctor. They have a strained relationship due to Humphrey's' believe that Hunter is the favoured child by their mother who insists that she loves both her boys.
As a teacher, Hunter enjoys his work and has a great relationship with his students especially Tito Mosquito and Chris Marville.
Humphrey Robinson is a surgeon. He has his own practice and is very successful. He is happily married to Michelle who is a lawyer and they have three children Luanna, Samantha and Ramiah.
One afternoon after Hunter completes his after school lessons, one of his students, Dwayne Husbands is attacked and killed; his chest is ripped opened and his heart removed. News of the death circulate and Hunter is questioned by Lieutenant Barry.
Humphrey on hearing the news of the attack contacts his brother to offer support.
Another evening Hunter leaves school late after preparing lessons. He notices a student, Tony Boyce is waiting alone. He offers to contact his mother and subsequently offers him a ride to her office when she indicates that she is unable to pick him up as scheduled. Hunter drops Tony off at the stairs of his mothers workplace and leaves, Tony is attacked and killed his heart removed and placed on his chest.
Hunter is summoned to the station where he is questioned by Sergeant Larry and Lieutenant Barry about Tony. Hunter is now the main suspect but declares his innocence.
Mummy Robinson contacts he son offering him support and encouragement.
News of the killings and the Hunter as the suspect are released to the public. Hunters lawyer Stephen Rowe contacts him to offer advice.
Sheldon Norris is walking home, he is attacked by the heart man but manages to escape and also catches a glimpse of his attacker. He identifies him as Hunter Robinson,
Hunter is arrested while maintaining his innocence.
Humphrey and Michelle are shocked about the news and Humphrey contacts his mother. Mummy Robinson is distraught and does not believe what she hears and defends her son.
Hunter spends the night in jail and is released on bail the next morning by his lawyer. He returns home to find Humphrey there with a knife in his hand waiting for him. An argument begins and Humphrey reveals his anger for his sibling . He explains his belief that Hunter is the favorite and he confesses to the murders of the children and his father and promises to kill Hunter. Hunter presses the cell phone in his pocket and his Lawyer, Stephen is alerted. The police are called and everyone heads to Hunters home. Meanwhile Tito and Chris arrive at the house for lessons and are attacked by Humphrey. The police arrive and arrest Humphrey and save the children. Hunter is placed in the hospital and Humphrey is sent to jail. His Wife Michelle visits him and expresses shock and anger at his behavior, while mummy Robinson visits an unconscious Hunter in the hospital.
The story is well written, it reads smoothly and is easy to follow. The concept is great, it gives a new spin on old Barbadian folklore which has never been told in film, making it original and exciting. The plot is very good and keeps your interest from beginning to end. The structure of the story which incorporates murder mystery and touches on the issues of sibling rivalry provides a great platform for this type of film to be told. The characters are fantastic and come alive within the script. The main characters are intriguing as well as the supporting characters who assist in strenghening the focal characters well. The script is very visual, scenes are easy to visualise because descriptions from scene to scene are very clear. This being said there are areas of the script which do not work effectively. Script has too much unnecessary dialogue which can be removed in order to allow the potentially fantastic visual images to come to the fore. Characters can be developed more in order to tie the storyline together. Writer needs to ensure that she relays her story in the correct tense at all times. The major task of the writer will be to ensure that the mystery of the killer remains as such until the revelation. The writer gives away the killers identity much too early removing the suspense from the script. The writer also hints repeatedly throughout the script, the possibility of who the killer is, steering her audience into figuring out before she is ready.
Script needs tidying. Writer must pay attention to scene headings and dialogue headings. e.g:
Pg 1, 2Dialogue headings missing. Writer must be careful to indicate who is speaking at all times to ensure that the reader follows the story. Pg 9 Scene heading is missing:
Int. Queen Elizabeth Hospital. Afternoon
Humphrey Robinson
I was not there today
Int. Lodge School Staffroom. Afternoon
I mean three days ago. You didn't see anything suspicious.
I mean you wouldn't know the usual atmosphere
around here, but did you see anything that appeared odd?
Script has too much dialogue in some areas, the technique of show not tell needs to be applied for e.g: pg 3 Humphrey Robinson and his wife have a lengthy conversation about picking up the kids which is not the focal point of the story.
There are areas in the script which need to be expanded on :
pg 7 Ext. The Playing Field - Morning.
Dialogue is needed scenes need to be expanded. A number of scenes are happening which the writer has bunched together into one scene.
Plot is given away much to early. Too many hints throughout the story telling you who the killers is. for e.g Pg 25
As a teacher, Hunter enjoys his work and has a great relationship with his students especially Tito Mosquito and Chris Marville.
Humphrey Robinson is a surgeon. He has his own practice and is very successful. He is happily married to Michelle who is a lawyer and they have three children Luanna, Samantha and Ramiah.
One afternoon after Hunter completes his after school lessons, one of his students, Dwayne Husbands is attacked and killed; his chest is ripped opened and his heart removed. News of the death circulate and Hunter is questioned by Lieutenant Barry.
Humphrey on hearing the news of the attack contacts his brother to offer support.
Another evening Hunter leaves school late after preparing lessons. He notices a student, Tony Boyce is waiting alone. He offers to contact his mother and subsequently offers him a ride to her office when she indicates that she is unable to pick him up as scheduled. Hunter drops Tony off at the stairs of his mothers workplace and leaves, Tony is attacked and killed his heart removed and placed on his chest.
Hunter is summoned to the station where he is questioned by Sergeant Larry and Lieutenant Barry about Tony. Hunter is now the main suspect but declares his innocence.
Mummy Robinson contacts he son offering him support and encouragement.
News of the killings and the Hunter as the suspect are released to the public. Hunters lawyer Stephen Rowe contacts him to offer advice.
Sheldon Norris is walking home, he is attacked by the heart man but manages to escape and also catches a glimpse of his attacker. He identifies him as Hunter Robinson,
Hunter is arrested while maintaining his innocence.
Humphrey and Michelle are shocked about the news and Humphrey contacts his mother. Mummy Robinson is distraught and does not believe what she hears and defends her son.
Hunter spends the night in jail and is released on bail the next morning by his lawyer. He returns home to find Humphrey there with a knife in his hand waiting for him. An argument begins and Humphrey reveals his anger for his sibling . He explains his belief that Hunter is the favorite and he confesses to the murders of the children and his father and promises to kill Hunter. Hunter presses the cell phone in his pocket and his Lawyer, Stephen is alerted. The police are called and everyone heads to Hunters home. Meanwhile Tito and Chris arrive at the house for lessons and are attacked by Humphrey. The police arrive and arrest Humphrey and save the children. Hunter is placed in the hospital and Humphrey is sent to jail. His Wife Michelle visits him and expresses shock and anger at his behavior, while mummy Robinson visits an unconscious Hunter in the hospital.
The story is well written, it reads smoothly and is easy to follow. The concept is great, it gives a new spin on old Barbadian folklore which has never been told in film, making it original and exciting. The plot is very good and keeps your interest from beginning to end. The structure of the story which incorporates murder mystery and touches on the issues of sibling rivalry provides a great platform for this type of film to be told. The characters are fantastic and come alive within the script. The main characters are intriguing as well as the supporting characters who assist in strenghening the focal characters well. The script is very visual, scenes are easy to visualise because descriptions from scene to scene are very clear. This being said there are areas of the script which do not work effectively. Script has too much unnecessary dialogue which can be removed in order to allow the potentially fantastic visual images to come to the fore. Characters can be developed more in order to tie the storyline together. Writer needs to ensure that she relays her story in the correct tense at all times. The major task of the writer will be to ensure that the mystery of the killer remains as such until the revelation. The writer gives away the killers identity much too early removing the suspense from the script. The writer also hints repeatedly throughout the script, the possibility of who the killer is, steering her audience into figuring out before she is ready.
Script needs tidying. Writer must pay attention to scene headings and dialogue headings. e.g:
Pg 1, 2Dialogue headings missing. Writer must be careful to indicate who is speaking at all times to ensure that the reader follows the story. Pg 9 Scene heading is missing:
Int. Queen Elizabeth Hospital. Afternoon
Humphrey Robinson
I was not there today
Int. Lodge School Staffroom. Afternoon
I mean three days ago. You didn't see anything suspicious.
I mean you wouldn't know the usual atmosphere
around here, but did you see anything that appeared odd?
Script has too much dialogue in some areas, the technique of show not tell needs to be applied for e.g: pg 3 Humphrey Robinson and his wife have a lengthy conversation about picking up the kids which is not the focal point of the story.
There are areas in the script which need to be expanded on :
pg 7 Ext. The Playing Field - Morning.
Dialogue is needed scenes need to be expanded. A number of scenes are happening which the writer has bunched together into one scene.
Plot is given away much to early. Too many hints throughout the story telling you who the killers is. for e.g Pg 25
Marissa's Mess Synopsis
Synopsis
Marissa's Mess is about Marissa sick and tired of her father's rules. She finds herself admiring David one of the students of the same school she attends. David comes up to her when school was over to invite Marissa on a date. She excitedly accepts, but finds it difficult to convince her dad that nothing is going on between herself and David. Marissa's mum tries to defend Marissa but once again is beaten down by this. Marissa father reiterates the rules of the house and Marissa's rules because her parents were going out. Marissa as usual acknowledges these rules and speedily gets ready after her parents leave. She quickly gets ready to go out with David.
David comes and picks up Marissa. They go out to his uncle's night club and David gets drunk while at the club. Marissa becomes concern about this and concern about getting home. She tries to get David to take her home, but the Bartender prevents David from taking her home because of his condition. Marissa is given money to go and catch a taxi home. She leaves the club and tries to get home. Just then a ZR van comes packed with passengers and Marissa's hesitation causes the conductor to curse her and allows the driver to drive off.
Marissa yells for the ZR van to come back, but of course this did not happen. She sees a taxi and tries to stop it. Maurice is the taxi driver. He starts talking to her and Marissa is bored by it. He alluded to her that he needs to make a stop at the gas station because he needs gas. On arriving at the gas station he realises that he has no gas money so he informs the attendant of this and the attendant goes back into the lunch room. Maurice signals to Marissa that he is going to the ATM. Just when Maurice is in there, the automart is gun up by Jake and Trent who are brothers. They rob the automart and hears sirens that has nothing to do with them robbing the place. Trent and Jake runs to a nearby vehicle which happens to be Maurice's taxi vehicle. They drive off, just in time before the official police comes.
Trent and Jake realises that someone is in the back seat which turns out to be Marissa. She talks and is confused as to what is happening right about now in the script. Jake responds to her gently and nicely, but Trent doesn't. The police chases them until Trent who is driving realises that the taxi is out of gas. He at this point has no choice but to stop. Marissa, Jake and Trent get out of the car with Trent sticking a gun to Marissa's head as he holds her. Marissa is afraid of her life and what Trent might do to her. Jake hesitantly continues to not want to do this. When Jake places his gun to the ground and Marissa tries to run at the first sight of escape, Trent fires a shot at Marissa that causes Jake to jump infront of her. Jake at this point is shot and dies on the spot. Trent drops to the ground to his brother. Marissa runs to Officer Jackson and Trent is handcuffed by the police.
Marissa eventually gets home and she quickly makes her way to her bed after undressing. Her parents get home and her father checks in on her that causes her to respond to him in a sleepy manner. Officer Jackson calls Marissa's home to see if she was alright and also to inform her parents on what had happened. This causes Marissa's father to shout her name that causes Marissa to get into trouble.
Notes:
General
The things I love about the script:
The best friend relationship between Marissa and Jenny. The way they told each other everything and they both wanted to experience each other's world.
The brotherly commitment between Jake and Trent. The way Trent in his own way takes care of his brother. The softness of Jake and the roughness of Trent.
The use of the word time that signals to Marissa it is time to leave.
The way Officer Jackson calls to inform Marissa's parents on what had happened and also to see if Marissa was okay.
The conflict in the story with Marissa trying to get home.
The things that could be improved upon:
Maurice's character could have been developed some more. I thought he would have been in the police vehicle because it was his taxi.
Who called the police? I would have wanted to see who called the police because action and humour could have been placed at this part of the script.
Where is the attendant? Does she go home without anyone being aware?
What happened in the automart? I would have loved to see Maurice's reaction because he sounds and looks in my mind as a big coward. Also, here was another good part for action and humour.
When Marissa and her dad came home to find the mother in the kitchen, I thought that the conflict could have started here between Marissa's mum and dad that causes the resolution for the mother in the end.
In the crime scene chase, something is missing there that could have caused it to popped out at me. I wanted to feel for both Trent and Jake and Marissa all at once.
I felt that Marissa on arrival at home could have called her best friend to inform her about her night. While Marissa is on the telephone talking to Jenny, she realises her parents are home and then she rushes Jenny off and pretends that she is asleep.
Scene 1
Is David Young in a group with his friends talking? What personality does he has when he is with his friends. Is he respected by his friends? Is he the leader among his friends? I do not know if David is looking at Marissa when she looks at him. Does he looks at her, and she goes smiles to hijself? Does his friends gets his attention that Marissa is looking at him? What was his motive to have gone to her in the next scene to ask her out? Is Jenny with Marissa all this time that this is going on?
Scene 2
Was Marissa sitting down when Jenny came up to her or was she standing? I assume she was standing. Marissa's dialogue needs to be more natural. Her language sounds fake, not realistic for a girl talking to her best friend. Jenny's language also does not sound realistic because if someone prefers to have what someone else's has they would be more convincing than just telling them do not worry about it because they haven't missed a thing.
Again I do not fully know the personality of David. The way he speaks to Marissa sounds white or rich. He doesn't sound like someone that Marissa would want to be with. He sounds like someone that Marissa father would be interested in if you take away his skin colour. David stating "it would spoil his plans" baffles me because his persona still isn't identified.
Marissa's dad Erskine character sounds split. I think he should calmly ask Marissa questions and then get angry if she refuses to hear.
Scene 3
Marissa's mum could have asked more questions and state some of her view points when Erskine and Marissa got home. I felt like Marissa could have even voice what happened that day.
Scene 4
I felt that less dialogue should have been said here. If someone is drunk yes they talk to much, but the action would have been more seen as a let down by Marissa's stand point than with David talking. His actions alone would have suggest to her she really wasted her time going out with him. This alone could have indicated to her that she needed to go home and forget about David. The Bartender should not have given I presume a 17 year old alcohol anyway. This just isn't realistic with the laws and age differences that occurs.
Scene 5
Maurice should have been seen awhole lot more than in this script. Maurice at this point becomes the antagonist because everything circles around him; his taxi out of gas, his taxi being stolen, the robbery, Marissa trying to get home, Marissa caught in a mess in Maurice's taxi. I needed to see what happened in the automart; who called the police; what became of the Attendant; what Marissa was doing all along; Jake's and Trent's reaction and action to the robbery.
Scene 6
The chase: what was Marissa's response. I needed to see more of her response. Was she talkative at this point? Was she talkative and scared? Was she talkative, scared and confused?
The police's reaction at the gas station. What they did in the car? How Maurice got into their vehicle. I would have prefer Maurice being in the police's vehicle with them because the taxi is his and he would have been the best person to identify it.
Scene 7
The crime scene: what happened when Marissa, Jake and Trent were out of the vehicle. Maybe the other policemen were trying to hold back Maurice from running to his vehicle and still being able to focus in on the Jake and Trent robbery and kidnapped.
The long lines of traffic held up. Marissa's parents' faces. The father calling Marissa at home to lether know they are soon home, but she never answers. Then they calling her cell phone and Trent jumps to the noise of her cell phone in the car.
Reporters coming on the scene in undercover. Hidden cameras shooting all around. Jake is shot in the arm and Trent rushes to him. Marissa runs and the police rushes to Trent to arrest him. Marissa sees her dad's car while talking to the reporter and informs the police she needs to get home.
Scene 8
Marissa gets home just before her parents. She changes her clothes and calls Jenny. Her parents pull up and she ends the conversation with Jenny. Her father comes in to check on her because earlier she didn't answer any of her phones when he called. She acknowledges that he is home in the meantime when the telephone rings. The police calls and Erskine puts on his television. He shouts Marissa's name while going into her room. He questions Marissa and Patricia and him take their conversation outside. Patricia speaks her mind to her husband and Erskine decides to ground Marissa.
Marissa's Mess is about Marissa sick and tired of her father's rules. She finds herself admiring David one of the students of the same school she attends. David comes up to her when school was over to invite Marissa on a date. She excitedly accepts, but finds it difficult to convince her dad that nothing is going on between herself and David. Marissa's mum tries to defend Marissa but once again is beaten down by this. Marissa father reiterates the rules of the house and Marissa's rules because her parents were going out. Marissa as usual acknowledges these rules and speedily gets ready after her parents leave. She quickly gets ready to go out with David.
David comes and picks up Marissa. They go out to his uncle's night club and David gets drunk while at the club. Marissa becomes concern about this and concern about getting home. She tries to get David to take her home, but the Bartender prevents David from taking her home because of his condition. Marissa is given money to go and catch a taxi home. She leaves the club and tries to get home. Just then a ZR van comes packed with passengers and Marissa's hesitation causes the conductor to curse her and allows the driver to drive off.
Marissa yells for the ZR van to come back, but of course this did not happen. She sees a taxi and tries to stop it. Maurice is the taxi driver. He starts talking to her and Marissa is bored by it. He alluded to her that he needs to make a stop at the gas station because he needs gas. On arriving at the gas station he realises that he has no gas money so he informs the attendant of this and the attendant goes back into the lunch room. Maurice signals to Marissa that he is going to the ATM. Just when Maurice is in there, the automart is gun up by Jake and Trent who are brothers. They rob the automart and hears sirens that has nothing to do with them robbing the place. Trent and Jake runs to a nearby vehicle which happens to be Maurice's taxi vehicle. They drive off, just in time before the official police comes.
Trent and Jake realises that someone is in the back seat which turns out to be Marissa. She talks and is confused as to what is happening right about now in the script. Jake responds to her gently and nicely, but Trent doesn't. The police chases them until Trent who is driving realises that the taxi is out of gas. He at this point has no choice but to stop. Marissa, Jake and Trent get out of the car with Trent sticking a gun to Marissa's head as he holds her. Marissa is afraid of her life and what Trent might do to her. Jake hesitantly continues to not want to do this. When Jake places his gun to the ground and Marissa tries to run at the first sight of escape, Trent fires a shot at Marissa that causes Jake to jump infront of her. Jake at this point is shot and dies on the spot. Trent drops to the ground to his brother. Marissa runs to Officer Jackson and Trent is handcuffed by the police.
Marissa eventually gets home and she quickly makes her way to her bed after undressing. Her parents get home and her father checks in on her that causes her to respond to him in a sleepy manner. Officer Jackson calls Marissa's home to see if she was alright and also to inform her parents on what had happened. This causes Marissa's father to shout her name that causes Marissa to get into trouble.
Notes:
General
The things I love about the script:
The best friend relationship between Marissa and Jenny. The way they told each other everything and they both wanted to experience each other's world.
The brotherly commitment between Jake and Trent. The way Trent in his own way takes care of his brother. The softness of Jake and the roughness of Trent.
The use of the word time that signals to Marissa it is time to leave.
The way Officer Jackson calls to inform Marissa's parents on what had happened and also to see if Marissa was okay.
The conflict in the story with Marissa trying to get home.
The things that could be improved upon:
Maurice's character could have been developed some more. I thought he would have been in the police vehicle because it was his taxi.
Who called the police? I would have wanted to see who called the police because action and humour could have been placed at this part of the script.
Where is the attendant? Does she go home without anyone being aware?
What happened in the automart? I would have loved to see Maurice's reaction because he sounds and looks in my mind as a big coward. Also, here was another good part for action and humour.
When Marissa and her dad came home to find the mother in the kitchen, I thought that the conflict could have started here between Marissa's mum and dad that causes the resolution for the mother in the end.
In the crime scene chase, something is missing there that could have caused it to popped out at me. I wanted to feel for both Trent and Jake and Marissa all at once.
I felt that Marissa on arrival at home could have called her best friend to inform her about her night. While Marissa is on the telephone talking to Jenny, she realises her parents are home and then she rushes Jenny off and pretends that she is asleep.
Scene 1
Is David Young in a group with his friends talking? What personality does he has when he is with his friends. Is he respected by his friends? Is he the leader among his friends? I do not know if David is looking at Marissa when she looks at him. Does he looks at her, and she goes smiles to hijself? Does his friends gets his attention that Marissa is looking at him? What was his motive to have gone to her in the next scene to ask her out? Is Jenny with Marissa all this time that this is going on?
Scene 2
Was Marissa sitting down when Jenny came up to her or was she standing? I assume she was standing. Marissa's dialogue needs to be more natural. Her language sounds fake, not realistic for a girl talking to her best friend. Jenny's language also does not sound realistic because if someone prefers to have what someone else's has they would be more convincing than just telling them do not worry about it because they haven't missed a thing.
Again I do not fully know the personality of David. The way he speaks to Marissa sounds white or rich. He doesn't sound like someone that Marissa would want to be with. He sounds like someone that Marissa father would be interested in if you take away his skin colour. David stating "it would spoil his plans" baffles me because his persona still isn't identified.
Marissa's dad Erskine character sounds split. I think he should calmly ask Marissa questions and then get angry if she refuses to hear.
Scene 3
Marissa's mum could have asked more questions and state some of her view points when Erskine and Marissa got home. I felt like Marissa could have even voice what happened that day.
Scene 4
I felt that less dialogue should have been said here. If someone is drunk yes they talk to much, but the action would have been more seen as a let down by Marissa's stand point than with David talking. His actions alone would have suggest to her she really wasted her time going out with him. This alone could have indicated to her that she needed to go home and forget about David. The Bartender should not have given I presume a 17 year old alcohol anyway. This just isn't realistic with the laws and age differences that occurs.
Scene 5
Maurice should have been seen awhole lot more than in this script. Maurice at this point becomes the antagonist because everything circles around him; his taxi out of gas, his taxi being stolen, the robbery, Marissa trying to get home, Marissa caught in a mess in Maurice's taxi. I needed to see what happened in the automart; who called the police; what became of the Attendant; what Marissa was doing all along; Jake's and Trent's reaction and action to the robbery.
Scene 6
The chase: what was Marissa's response. I needed to see more of her response. Was she talkative at this point? Was she talkative and scared? Was she talkative, scared and confused?
The police's reaction at the gas station. What they did in the car? How Maurice got into their vehicle. I would have prefer Maurice being in the police's vehicle with them because the taxi is his and he would have been the best person to identify it.
Scene 7
The crime scene: what happened when Marissa, Jake and Trent were out of the vehicle. Maybe the other policemen were trying to hold back Maurice from running to his vehicle and still being able to focus in on the Jake and Trent robbery and kidnapped.
The long lines of traffic held up. Marissa's parents' faces. The father calling Marissa at home to lether know they are soon home, but she never answers. Then they calling her cell phone and Trent jumps to the noise of her cell phone in the car.
Reporters coming on the scene in undercover. Hidden cameras shooting all around. Jake is shot in the arm and Trent rushes to him. Marissa runs and the police rushes to Trent to arrest him. Marissa sees her dad's car while talking to the reporter and informs the police she needs to get home.
Scene 8
Marissa gets home just before her parents. She changes her clothes and calls Jenny. Her parents pull up and she ends the conversation with Jenny. Her father comes in to check on her because earlier she didn't answer any of her phones when he called. She acknowledges that he is home in the meantime when the telephone rings. The police calls and Erskine puts on his television. He shouts Marissa's name while going into her room. He questions Marissa and Patricia and him take their conversation outside. Patricia speaks her mind to her husband and Erskine decides to ground Marissa.
Full Critique of "The Lost Hearts of Brighter Hopes"
Synopsis
This story written by Keisha has tremendous value as a a folk tale in Barbados. She moves away from the cliche stereotypical male psychopath and creates a female killer. She uses the folk tale of the heart man to draw her audience in and then she shocks them by revealing a female killer who is a teenage girl. Kimberly is orphan. She is teenage girl that asks cleverly at the beginning about the heartman which establishes early what the story is about.
The story takes us to Kimberly's school yard where a boy named Henderson proposes that a mathematics teacher named Mr.Niles is the heartman. In his story he details that Mr.Niles was the last person to be seen with a young boy that went missing. Henderson also reveals information about Kimberly's father at the end of his story. Kimberly is frustrated that they talk about Mr.Niles this way and defends him. She then retreats and goes to Mr.Niles' class to find him. Mr.Niles invites her into the classroom to talk but Kimberly says she wants to read and finds a book on Egyptian rituals on her desk.
The story then moves to a classroom scene where Mr.Niles gives a mathematics problem to the class to solve and in it Henderson along with students accuse Mr.Niles of being the heartman. The story then follows the journey of Mr.Niles and Kimberly to her home. It his during this journey that the first clue to who the heartman was, is revealed. At the end Kimberly cleverly brings Mr.Niles to a shack where she reveals to him that it is her home. After Mr.Niles dissapoints Kimberly by declining her advances she kills him and takes out his heart. She then buries him in the backyard, returns inside and calls Henderson to ask him to walk her home the next day.
What Went Well:
This story written by Keisha has tremendous value as a a folk tale in Barbados. She moves away from the cliche stereotypical male psychopath and creates a female killer. She uses the folk tale of the heart man to draw her audience in and then she shocks them by revealing a female killer who is a teenage girl. Kimberly is orphan. She is teenage girl that asks cleverly at the beginning about the heartman which establishes early what the story is about.
The story takes us to Kimberly's school yard where a boy named Henderson proposes that a mathematics teacher named Mr.Niles is the heartman. In his story he details that Mr.Niles was the last person to be seen with a young boy that went missing. Henderson also reveals information about Kimberly's father at the end of his story. Kimberly is frustrated that they talk about Mr.Niles this way and defends him. She then retreats and goes to Mr.Niles' class to find him. Mr.Niles invites her into the classroom to talk but Kimberly says she wants to read and finds a book on Egyptian rituals on her desk.
The story then moves to a classroom scene where Mr.Niles gives a mathematics problem to the class to solve and in it Henderson along with students accuse Mr.Niles of being the heartman. The story then follows the journey of Mr.Niles and Kimberly to her home. It his during this journey that the first clue to who the heartman was, is revealed. At the end Kimberly cleverly brings Mr.Niles to a shack where she reveals to him that it is her home. After Mr.Niles dissapoints Kimberly by declining her advances she kills him and takes out his heart. She then buries him in the backyard, returns inside and calls Henderson to ask him to walk her home the next day.
What Went Well:
- She introduces priniciple characters that carry the story.
- Withholding who was the heartman
- Development of Kimberly and Mr.Niles as characters
- The use of auditory imagery; the 'Yellow Bird' song
- The visual story telling techniques; describing the scene and action
What Didn't Work
- The use of the neighbour at the beginning
- Kimberly pretending to talk to her father
- Mr.Niles agreeing to take home Kimberly
- There is no resolution to the conflict of the Heartman's killing
- Story of why Kimberly kills needs working
At the beginning of the script the neighbour appears to be just there. There is no idea of who they are and it appears as though they are only there to talk about the heartman.
Henderson isn't developed as a full charcter. He has so much potential to grow but it just seems as though he too is there to just give information. We have no idea about his background or who he is.
We don't know much about Mr.Niles besides him being a mathematics teacher and him studying at University doing research on occult religions but we feel as though he should have a backstory. A suggestion could be his affection for teenage girls. This would lead him to go with Kimberly with a possibility of something enjoyable for him at the end of the journey.
What happens at the end leaves the story unfinished. Kimberly isn't caught and she is seen scheming to kill Henderson the next day. The audience is not left with a concrete idea as to what will happen. A concrete resolution could be an effective way to end your story. The viewer wouldn't have to wonder if a sequel is being done.e.t.c.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
The Heartman Critique
The script has a good storyline and a great concept. characters are intriguing and entertaining. Script is very visual and gives great description of scenes and characters.
some areas of the script can be developed. The dialogue tends to be too lengthy and repetitive at times and therefore can be tightened. The relationship between Tito and Chris in relation to Hunter needs to be developed. the plot is given away to early and there are also too many hints to who the heartman is. Some backstory is needed to establish the plot point of the father's killing
great story otherwise
some areas of the script can be developed. The dialogue tends to be too lengthy and repetitive at times and therefore can be tightened. The relationship between Tito and Chris in relation to Hunter needs to be developed. the plot is given away to early and there are also too many hints to who the heartman is. Some backstory is needed to establish the plot point of the father's killing
great story otherwise
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Marissa's Mess critique
This is a general summary of the critique shared yesterday in class
- Use Maurice's character more
- Work the conversation between Erskine and Patricia
- Work conversation between Trent, Jake and Marissa in the car
- There is a consensus that too much dialogue is used in the later part of t he script. It should be action driven not dialogue driven.
- Why did David choose that time in particular to as her out...?
- Change Jake dying....this changes the entire tone of the ending.
Marissa's Mess Script Critique
The Things I Love About the Script:
1) The best friend relationship between Marissa and Jenny. The way they told each other everything and they both wanted to experience each other's world.
2) The brotherly commitment between Jake and Trent. The way Trent in his own way takes care of his brother. The softness of Jake and the roughness of Trent.
3) The use of the word time that signals to Marissa it's time to go.
4) The way Officer Morgan calls to inform Marissa's parents on what had happened and to see if Marissa was alright.
5) The conflict in the story with Marissa trying to get home.
The Things That Could Have Been Better:
1) Marice's character could have been developed some more. I thought he would have been in the police vehicle because it was his car.
2) Who called the police? Ms. Frances -Ann Solomon spoke on it, but I mentioned that before.
3) Where was the attendant?
4) What happened in the automart? I would have loved to see Maurice's reaction because he sounds and looks in my mind as a big coward.
5) When Marissa and her dad came home to find the mother in the kitchen, I thought that the conflict could have started there between Marissa's mum and her dad that causes the resolution in the end for the mother.
6) In the crime scene chase, something is missing there that could have caused it to popped out at me. I wanted to feel for both Trent and Jake and for Marissa at the same time.
7) I felt that Marissa on arrival at home could have called her best friend to inform her about her night, and when Marissa realises that her parents are home, she rushes off the phone and pretends to be asleep.
1) The best friend relationship between Marissa and Jenny. The way they told each other everything and they both wanted to experience each other's world.
2) The brotherly commitment between Jake and Trent. The way Trent in his own way takes care of his brother. The softness of Jake and the roughness of Trent.
3) The use of the word time that signals to Marissa it's time to go.
4) The way Officer Morgan calls to inform Marissa's parents on what had happened and to see if Marissa was alright.
5) The conflict in the story with Marissa trying to get home.
The Things That Could Have Been Better:
1) Marice's character could have been developed some more. I thought he would have been in the police vehicle because it was his car.
2) Who called the police? Ms. Frances -Ann Solomon spoke on it, but I mentioned that before.
3) Where was the attendant?
4) What happened in the automart? I would have loved to see Maurice's reaction because he sounds and looks in my mind as a big coward.
5) When Marissa and her dad came home to find the mother in the kitchen, I thought that the conflict could have started there between Marissa's mum and her dad that causes the resolution in the end for the mother.
6) In the crime scene chase, something is missing there that could have caused it to popped out at me. I wanted to feel for both Trent and Jake and for Marissa at the same time.
7) I felt that Marissa on arrival at home could have called her best friend to inform her about her night, and when Marissa realises that her parents are home, she rushes off the phone and pretends to be asleep.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
critique for lost hearts of brighter hope
Keisha has a great concept and provides a good storyline for her script. the plot is strong with interesting twists and conflict. The characters are also very interesting; especially the main characters. Kimberly and Mr. Niles as well as Henderson. The way that Keisha presents the story is also interesting.She establishes the thesis early and then builds the suspense. The ending is also good as it provides an unexpected and shocking resolution to the storyline. Although the provides these great elements, there are ares that the writer can build on: Continuity from one scene to another needs to be tighter. Some scenes end abruptly which causes some confusion when trying to follow the story. Action and reaction of characters to areas of conflict in the story e.g when kimberley slaps Henderson, we need to see his reaction as well as Kimberley and the children around them. Some characters can be utilized more in the script for e.g Henderson. Some areas of the script also have room for development e.g the scee where Kim and Mr. Niles walk home, the sequence of events which follow can be stregthened. The plot is too informative. Giving away the villian too early for e.g when Kim tells Niles about the jars which she has displayed. It takes away from the suspense as the reader begins to realize that Kim may not be as innocent as she appears. It is an otherwise great story!
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Heart Man Critique--
I honestly believe Julie has written a good story and her hard work is seen throughout her work.
The visual imagery in the script was strong in that it allowed us to watch the story unfold off of the page. Also the described action in each scene I thought was clear enough and to the point.
I loved the scene between .....
The believability of some of the character dialogue needs reworking. I don't find the conversation between Humphrey and his mother realistic.
The story was great until about page 15 where the audience can grasp who the killer is. Even later on in the story there are more clues that point to who the killer is. You may want to hold back much longer to build the tension and suspense that you were creating so well.
You may want to rework the names in the script more. The names add to a comedic element in the script. That is of course if you don't want the scrip to be a comedy.
The killing of the father wasn't explained in detail. You may want to give more insight as to why and how the father was killed.
I really think this script is strong...and I would love to see it filmed.....!
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