A Childhood Experience - The Diary And I

Longing for attention not so much the favourite, but being able to be given my equal share of our alone time from my parents was always my dying plea.

I remember from the minute I was born that my sister was always intimidated by me. She always wanted everything, always wanted to be on top, always wanted to be in control (rule things pretty much). Even though rivalry clearly was present, I still had loved my sister and wanted the best for her. When she did well in class at both primary and sencondary school, I was glad and happy for her, not realising she was comparing our grades and our classes. I did very well in my classes at secondary school more so than primary. I guess that came with maturity and knowing what I wanted, but the comparisons never stopped and this was why I never try to be better at my primary school.

My sister and I went to the same primary school, and not only did my father favour her and my mum supported her at home, but when she started school and I two years immediately after her, I could feel the pressure. As a three year old, this pressure was very real even in the midst of my naiveness I could feel they favouring her even when it came to school. She being in the brighter classes than I, she learning to write her name in the first week of school, she being able to make friends rather easily etc. I had my giftings and I had my uniqueness, but each and everytime this happened I was overlooked, not only by my parents now, but also by my teachers who always compared us. I always felt alone and abandoned like I was the mistakable child that should not be born.

I felt this way and any fool could see it. The attention I looked for was never in my favour. My brother born almost four years later from when I was born and he got the attention big time, so I knew it could not be that I was not better, it just meant that I probably was a mistake. I bore these pains and feelings big time, that I always was classified as the quiet one who knew nothing. It was not so much that I knew nothing, but when I responded to anything whether I was at home or school, I was always undermined. I lost my voice before going to school for the first time and when I was finally going to school, it just was not there anymore. I do not think I ever had it to begin with and this was where my diary came in.

I never had a diary at first, but when I started writing and knowing all about words I found myself a diary. Something to call my own! This diary became my best friend, my parents, my teachers, a father's love, attention and appreciation, the mother who stand by me no matter what, the friends I never had, the sister I long to be in the company with, the brothers who I wanted to be there for me, my everything. I wrote my whole life in these diaries, because I had so many (diaries). So many things that I ever wanted to say to anyone who would listen were in these diaries. I wrote about the many times my dad had to leave and I would cry, because I would missed him for the four months he would be away and I knew that everytime he left for Canada, I would be mistreated badly. This was so weird to me as my dad never paid me any attention, but somehow when he was away, I always was treated worst.

My dad brought bicycles for all my siblings except for me till this day. I used to have to beg them to ride theirs and do not talk about when they were angry with me or they just wanted to be stingy, I never could get on. I was the one outside on the steps sitting down watching them as they all were having fun. I was in pain, but they never knew it because when the tears came, I went inside and I acted like it never hurt. One day, one year, when my dad was going to Canada, I asked him before he left for Canada and even when he called on numerous occasions, I reminded him of the pair of skates that I wanted (size 6 to be precise). I could not skate but I knew I would learn, just in the same way I learned to ride bicycles by riding my siblings' bicycles. I knew I kept on reminding my dad and then one day, he told me he has the skates. I was so happy! I could not wait to get them, but the excitement quickly came with the shock of reality that I was never going to be equal in this family of mine. My dad quickly told me you have to share your skates with your younger brother and he brought another one for my sister and older brother just above her to share. I was sad. I could not do anything about it and I knew they would be pushing me around as usual because they would have just what I have. The skates did not last long as a snow cone because very soon, the children in the neighbourhood were using them until they destroy them. Poor Julie was back to square one, being in the house and writing in her diary.

This was where I wish to die, I wish to be lying in the hospital fighting to live, I long for a broken hand, foot, neck, for asthma, or anything that would bring me more pain to forget about this kind of pain. I question a lot of things wondering why I was ever here. I remember a good friend of mainly my sister was very ill and the day she was a lot better, she came out to us and we were doing once again what we always did, liming and playing music on evenings. She told us how she felt and what happened to her. I felt so sorry for her and I saw how everyone were worried about her, I went home and prayed for what she had. I asked God that night to make me sick. The next morning I was so ill, I could not even go to school and even though I had to missed school, I thought finally now they have to pamper me. That never happened. It was as though I never was sick and they never knew.

This favouritism continue even after my mum and dad got their divorce, among my step dad and step mum. They favour my sister and baby brother very much and I was always their scapegoat. They overworked me very hard and I knew they never appreciated me. They always lied on me by saying I destroyed the video, televison or telephone, and when these things happened I either was not home or near these things. My step dad at one time had my mother and siblings hating me just because he never liked me even up to this day, but thank God he is not in ourlives anymore.

Acceptance, Appreciation, Confidence, Self-esteem, Being Equal, Belonging, are the things I lacked in primary and secondary school to a certain extent. A childhood years that could never be forgotten, writing in her diary that became her bestfriend.