What Worked:
Characters were well built
Story was very tight and fluid.
Very good introduction.
Scenery is well portrayed
What did not Work:
1.) In parts of your script you have "INT- Radio" that should be expanded more, that is, you are not sure where the interior of the place it is. Be it the interior of the a bedroom - radio etc
2.) Why does the heart man leave the heart on the victim's chest. What is the motive? After stalking prey for such a long time a serial killer like to have his trophies about him to remind him of other killings.
3.) You need to find out where your "moment" is, that is, where you want the big reveal to be. With pages 24, she talks about Hunter to Humphrey as if she loves Hunter more. Even if so, she would not reveal that to Humphrey, because a mother's love us unconditional.
4.) Also, coming down to the end of the monologue, she mentions that the person doing it would have to be a doctor, and that kinda gives it away.
5.) Coming down to the end of the piece you talk about the father, but there is no mention of him before hand. He is dropped there. You should expand on him some more.
6.) Some parts of the script were a little too narrative instead of it being action or movement in the script. For example in page 22, "their voices become loud noises in Hunter's ears".
7.) Also remember to proof read when you can to avoid grammatical errors
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment