The things that I like:
1) The plot of the story. The twist that it gave, where Kimberly was the heart woman all along, while everyone thought and still thinks it is a man.
2) The development of the characters.
3) Establishing the suspense in the script from early.
4) The cleverness of Kimberly.
5) The scene outside and inside the classroom.
6) The scene on the cart road between Kimberly and Mr. Niles.
The things that could have been better:
1) Where did the neighbours come from? Are they her neighbours? One of them would have known something was up with her because she lives by herself. In Barbados, when you think your neighbours don't know anything, they usually know more than you think. Didn't someone saw her digging holes in the back of her shack? Didn't they smell a stench? The neighbours were only mentioned at the beginning and no other place else. Not even in the end. Malicious neighbours would have bound to know that she got back in with a man with her.
2) EXT. SCHOOL YARD - MIDDAY page 3
*Mid day* is one word *Midday*
I would have like to see the reaction of the children, Henderson and Kimberly, after she gave him the slap.
3) There was no prove that Kimberly ever spoke to her father after school was over. So Kimberly telling Mr. Niles that her dad cannot come for her was weird. You get the feeling something was fishy at this part of the script.
4) What was also fishy about this, was the fact that she went to Mr. Niles. In 2009, I don't think any adolescent would be going to a teacher to take them home. That part needs to be developed.
5) What would have prompt her to go to Mr. Niles in the first place? And what would have prompt him to willing take her home? In 2009, Mr. Niles a teacher does not has a car? I think this has to be developed. What kind of teacher is Mr. Niles? What is his personality? How is his living? What is his status? Is he married, have children, engaged or has a girlfriend?
6) When Kimberly goes to Mr. Niles, have him doing something that would have caused him to snapped, and then glancing at her quickly to realise it is her, so that he begins to have a softer tone.
7) When Kimberly comes out with Mr. Niles, to take her home, kissing noises from Henderson and the other boys could be coming from them, that would have caused Kimberly to get upset. This would have been her motive to do what she did. Also, in order for all this to happen, then the boys would still have to be around. (Obviously they wouldn't have left already)
8) Where is Kimberly's and Mr. Niles's possessions? Do they leave it in the class? Because when they dance, I would have imagine that he would have put down his briefcase, if he has one.
9) The scene needs to be developed between Kimberly and Mr. Niles.
10) The Yellow Bird song could be Kimberly's trigger.
11) Also, how did they hear the song to begin with? I know that they heard it because she was singing it, but there is no prove as to how they hear it. I got the impression from reading the script that nothing was on that cart road. Just canes and bush, so you would have to state this, to show the distance of the walk.
12) There were also some grammatical errors.
13) What is the resolution? Is Kimberly ever caught?
14) Henderson's character could have been developed some more. What was the relationship between him and Kimberly?
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