Marissa's Mess Critique

It is a good story. I like the twist in the middle of the story. I like the way the characters have developed and I can see the dialogue unfolding when it is scripted. However, I had enough time to read the treatment and there are areas that need to be corrected. I know it was rushed, but I am still going to state them, so that the errors would not occur in the script.

How does David get Marissa's number? It is not stated here when Marissa's dad is being ignored by her. When she is talking to David at school, you have to see the number being distributed. Next, again how can David call Marissa when he was not given her number? Also, how does he know where Marissa lives? In addition, where did he get the car from? Does he has license? How old is he? How old is Marissa? If they are underage, how can they get into a night club; furthermore, to be buying and drinking alcohol?

How can Trent take out a gun at a closed bar? The bar is stated closed, not the building. During this time, one gun is stated here, but further in the treatment, they seem to have been two guns. Where did the other gun come from?

When Maurice pulls into the gas station, Marissa obviously is in the back of the car and the attendant is there, so when Maurice looks into his wallet he tells "her" he is going to the ATM. Who is her? Who does the her refers to?

When the gas station is stick up by Trent and his brother Jake, aren't there other people both inside and outside? Where is the gas station attendant? Who called the police? Is Marissa blind? For somone who is impatient to get home, she should have been watching Maurice all this time to see what was going on. There are see through glass windows in the automart. Maybe she called the police, and that's how they knew she was in danger from the beginning.

The INT and EXT are mixed up. They can be connected if the samething is happening in the same area with other characters. For instance, INT. TAXI - NIGHT- Marissa being in the car and Trent and his brother Jake coming into the car all in the same place. In this case, the taxi. It has INT. TAXI - NIGHT - Marissa in the car... and EXT. GAS STATION - NIGHT - Trent and Jake getting into the car... They both can connect because everything is happening in the car. Then the supporting details can indicate that they are driving out off the gas station.

How did the police driving the vehicle knew everything about Maurice and parking tickets. This is Barbados, not realistic. The police is on a chase, they do not have any time to check for all of that. Did they call back to the station for the other policemen to make a scan for them? Did the police from the police station alert them on this instead? How many policemen are in the vehicle? If there are only one police vehicle, how could they have set up a road block? How many police vehicles are they? How far does Trent and Jake get, because I thought this taxi desperately needed gas? So, realistically they couldn't have driven very far because this would mean that Maurice could have dropped home Marissa first and save her the headache. So maybe the dialogue can be included that Marissa is realising this for herself. That she could have been taken home to begin with. All in the comedy and seriousness of it.

If action is happening in the road between two sides, then there cannot be an INT and definitely cannot be INT. TAXI - NIGHT because the police is not in the taxi and in this case Trent, Jake and Marissa are not in the taxi. So it should be, EXT. ROAD - NIGHT or the name of the road.

Officer Morgan explains who he is in the treatment. Who he is like who? Obviously, Trent and the others can see he is a policeman. Was Officer Morgan like Trent? Police rush in and arrest Trent...cannot be EXT. POLICE VEHICLE - NIGHT. It has to be EXT. ROAD - NIGHT because again, everything is happening in the road even though there are outside the police vehicle.

"Other police arrive on the scene." I thought the other policemen were already there. "She quickly gave her statement and she was taken home." Who is Marissa giving her statement to? Marissa is giving her statement and no sign of reporters are mention? How do they report on the matter and can show footage on what happened when they were not there? Cameras were not mentioned. Usually when police is taking a statement from you; especially, something as serious as this, they normally take some sort of contact. Either telephone numbers, cellphone numbers, addresses or all. This was not mentioned. Marissa is underaged so the officer should have insisted that he sees her parents just to make sure she was dropped off at the right address; especially, with something so serious as this. There should have been some sort of speculation as to why an underaged girl is out on the streets so late in the night by herself.

When Marissa's mother closes Marissa's bedroom door the scene becomes EXT. MARISSA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT because the focus was the bedroom, and the mother is talking to the father outside Marissa's bedroom. Unless you wanted to put, INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT.

The last two scenes could have been done this way because Marissa's mum and dad just come home, it is late and they might be tired especially waiting in the traffic at that time in the morning so long.

INT. PARENT'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Marissa's mother goes to the master bedroom bathroom. Erskine lies on the bed. He removes the remote control from the top of the draw next to the bed. He turns the television on. He sits up and stares with his mouth open, drop to the bed.

INT. TELEVISION - NIGHT
News report is on about a robbery. In the report Marissa's name is mentioned as the hostage.

INT. PARENT'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Erskine, Marissa's father belts out Marissa's name from the bedroom.

INT. MARISSA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Marissa lies and hears her father yelling her name. She pulls the sheets over her head. She knows her parents are coming any second. She knows her charade has ended.

The ending could have been that the officer waits and Marissa's parents comes home to find the officer and he explains ignorantly what happened to their daughter. Marissa's dad thanks the officer and they all go inside. Marissa's dad and mum quarrels with her and she is grounded for the rest of the term.